EVAN 12-4-12

i dont know but what i do know is that if you don’t put the effort in, why should i? you better start shaping up big boy. if you want a girl like me. you better get you game on, if you think im the one you want. because i wont wait forever, i dont wait around. im just confused because i want things to work out between us but ugh. i dk.

11 20 12

hell no dawg evan chill the fuk out was that a “(;” i just saw um ew no

lord its harder to get back into the groove than i thought

i hate alcohool

wow he is not very dense

pour the triple sec

lol

the wind is blowing strongly outside now, and everyone is inside by the fire. once again isabel has invited me and tyler to the same event. us together in close proximity is a recipe for disaster. but in the back of my mind i saw this is  an opportunity.  we are all watching a movie and i see him go to the kitchen, i follow him, and tell him to follow me outside. he declines, and gives me his typical expected sass. " look tyler!" i said firmly. " im not letting you go until you do as i say, im going to talk to you" i maintain a close grip on his arms and his tries to  wiggle free. he pulls and i pull harder  i block his way with my body and he picks me up.in mid air he stops and looks my in the eyes. "please" i said " please tyler" and we walk outside. he stands arms crossed. you could slice the tension with a knife.. i know how this will roll out. first he will be grumpy and snippy. then he would slowly ease out of it and confess his true feelings. "tyler look...i cant do THIS anymore" i said striding towards him. once i reach a foot from him i say " this, whatever THIS is, is NOT going to work anymore. i want you to sit for a second. and LISTEN. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT I ONCE MEANT TO YOU? and i remember how much you meant to me. i hhate you. i really do. but the thing is ill always love you. you're like an infection. and i wont sit here and pretend to be okay with this rivarlry we have going on. i cant take back what i did and you cant take back what you said. we made mistakes and makybe us breakig  up was for the best. but maybe it wasnt. and i know the odd are against us but i cant live with knowing you hate me and never want to even talk to me. i am not letting you go on with this attitude towards me and i cant continue to hate you as well. i refuse to. but its all your choice you know. i just want you to remember the good times, althought few, we had them. remeber  how you felt when we kissed. i cant find that with anyone else.

my heart is numb.

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything . 
I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me.
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb.

Catalyst

here the t hing . i kind of dont know really how to vocalize my thoughts. or sort through my thoughts either. i just cant seem to determine what im thinking. this whole situation just seems like a blur. i dont know what the catalyst will be, to make me realize what i actually feel, but i hope it comes soon. and what i do know is i miss you. i do a little. not enough, but enough. confusing, i know. but true it is.

the boy with two souls

im sitting here and i am numb. not as i was when iw as depressed, but numb from the pain. thank you god, for giving me the opportunity to get over tyler. thank you lord for all you have provided me. my life isnt so bad, ya know. tyler sent me a long message  it was terrible. one of the worst things i ve ever gotten. but i didnt care until he told me that one of my friends hated me. and i cried and cried and i called ryan and asked him why. and he calmed me and i love ryan as a friend so much. he is the best. but i realized that there is nthing more i can do. im not going to spread rumors or anything, he's beyond irrelevant  i realized that people like me dont have time to deal with lower people on the social ladder like tyler. tres pathetique, he is. its a shame ya know. such a cute face ruined by such a god awful, unfix-able personality. one day karma will bite him in the ass. its not my job to teach him his lessons, its god's job. and god will give him the opportunity to be a better person , hopefully one day soon. i wish him the best on his road to recover, the poor boy with two souls.

SIMPLE

hi im erin.
i like oranges and raspberries.
I'm an outdoorsy girl who loves the sun.
My favorite season is autumn. I love drawing, painting, and theatre.
I'm a very outgoing girl, some people find it very unusual. i like to sing and dance around and just be silly.
'm very weird at times, and very mature at the right times. I'm known for caring about everyone, regardless if you're "cool" or not.  I love old movies and cliche romance novels. I'm very caring and passionate. I would consider myself a leader, strong willed, but stubborn at times.

stars

what is love i ask.

who are you?
this life,
im sitting alone staring up into the milky stars, trying to count them all, only to realize it was impossible. and it's like us. impossible. the stars are so beautiful and so close. they are together and will always be. and i focus on the biggest, brightest star, and i think of you. and all our littles problems, impossible to count them all. but you are my brightest star. you are the light in my milkyway.

Shine on

its amazing how a bit of sunshine can make you happier. its even more amazing how one song can make you realize that maybe its time to get your head out of the shadows, walk chin up, and smile. shine, shine, shine on.

love story in french

tu connais la nouvelle? je casser avec tyler. je me disputer avec lui. il tombe amoureux avec moi . mais, je n'aime pas lui. je ne sais pas. je suis enervée. assez difficile à comprehend. je ne suis pas etonnée.  je ne suis pas fachée ou furieuse. je crois que, tyler est tres mechant et il est nul. je n'ai pas aime tyler, tu vois. evidemment je fais maintenant et il est parti. POURQUOI!!  je ne suis pas belle? je suis mal, embetant, mouche ??!? ecoute. je n'en veux plus. je n'en peux plus! hier, je fait encore un effort. c'etait tres amusant. je fait un poster avec le phrase " I hope she gives you aids". mes copains  pense c'est amusante. aussi c'est aidé. c'est-à-dire que, assez aider moi. j'abadonne. je craque. c'est inadmissible.

A MIXUP

I love the outdoors. i love the cold breeze, the falling autumn leaves. the crisp air to breathe.
and ill just put all the letters i wrote you and tuck them away in a box, safe under my bed.

tears, they are pain leaving the body, drop by drop, and for me, i feel a tad bit less condensed and suffocated in thought.
 remember what it felt like to feel worthless, those memories were so infectious
said he was never giving up,  i was the first girl he ever truly loved. two days later, i was nothing but a bitter memory.
 failure in my future. there are no more options

break up or make up

Dear Tyler, I've done some stupid things. I do stupid things and I have no doubt that ill continue to do stupid things. They say to let the past be the past, but something about you begs to stay in my life and my future. I refuse to let you become meaningless, you mean so much to me. You never liked to take pictures with me, you didn't like to listen to my silly problems or talk about my sad stories. You wanted to be with someone who wasn't as mentally exhausted and confusing as me. It's been a while since I've talked to you. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe the space, the distance is a good thing. I miss you. And I'm sorry for being mean to you after things ended. It was only because I didn't want to show i still cared. I felt stupid. I won't beg you to come back, but I just want you to know how much you did and still do mean to me. I hope you find happiness with any new girl that comes into your life. It's hurts to know I'm not that girl, but as long as your happy I can deal with it . I hope we can be on good terms again. I miss when everything was okay .

fuck tyler porter

fuck you tyler porter fuck you tyler porter fuck you tyler porter fuck you tyler porter fuck you tyler porter fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck you tyler porter fuck you tyler porter fuck you tyler porter rot in hell tyler porter rot in hell tyler porter rot in hell tyler porter rot in hell tyler porter leave leave leave leave fuck fuck why wont you leave fuck you tyler porter i fucking hate tyler porter i fucking hate tyler porter i wish tyler porter never existed i wish i never met tyler porter fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you i wish you lived someone else why wont you leave my life forever why did you have to enter my life all you did was make everything complicated and i can't even remember how life was without you i hate you for making me so bitter i hate you with every fiber in my being why cant you just disappear you make me feel worse than before and now i cant breathe when i see you and my heart skips a beat  and everytime i see something or hear something about you and this new girl i feel my heart jump out of my chest and i want to die and throw up my feelings and just sit in silence and remember the times when i actually felt worth it fuck you look what you have done. i wasnt crazy or psychotic or a bitch i was just full of love and didnt want to let it go and now look at me im full of hate its pathetic and you did this to me why did you do this to me

what helped me move on

October 24 2012.

let me tell you the story behind this.

Tyler was the typical cute popular kid. he was interested in me? no way, this was a joke. i was bullied my whole life, felt incapable of being loved, or ever being good enough. i was beyond insecure, feeling alone and afraid it was going to stay that way. he came along and convinced me i was good enough.

This was something i believed to be nearly impossible. after years of suffering through depression and anxiety, things only seemed to get worse and worse. I couldn't remember what happiness was, and it scared me. i didn't know who i was, or what to do with my self. lost & confused. What do i do? The first time we broke up, it was a mutual decision. the relationship was rocky, and i didn't like him. a few days later i found out he had cheated on me. i wasn't in love with him, but i was in love with the attention, the routine. i was dependent on him for happiness. it was hard but i moved on, and finally i reached happiness, without him. and he came back. he called me night after night. he begged for a second chance, and for forgiveness.  i told him i forgave him, because everyone make mistakes, but im happier on my own. i remember one night at the phone, he called and told me all the things  wanted to hear, and i felt myself slipping again. a rush of emotions, and a rush of adrenaline, made me take a risk to try it all out again. we walked through the halls together, i was late to class for him. we kissed and held hands and talked all night. we went to homecoming together and shared ourselves emotionally and physically. somehow it was better, but i was not happiest. and one night i sat alone, and it hit me. i couldn't live without him. he was the only guy who ever loved me in that way. the only guy who ever tried so hard for so long, and it made me FEEL like i was worth it. i was SPECIAL. and i neglected him. i didn't realize it until now. so i texted him. told him this. and from there it went downhill.

we got in a fight, and he told me he couldn't be with someone who hated him, and that i needed to make a decision  i told him i couldn't. and he told me, he couldn't do "us" anymore, and like that it was over. i felt the need to fix it right away. i felt like there was still a chance to fight. my dad took my phone away, and i was left  to talk to him face-to-face at school. he ignored me, and went about. i heard rumors about him and other girls, and it hurt. i asked him how he was doing, " im doing GREAT, REALLY GREAT" he said, like i was nothing, and never was. all those feelings, about being special  they flew away. left so fast. like a cigarette addict quitting cold turkey. it was hard, and i didn't like the feeling. he looked right through me like i never mattered. and i remember what it felt like to feel worthless, those memories were so infectious.

one day he told me he was never giving up, and that i was the first girl he ever truly fell in love with. two days later, i was nothing but a bitter memory. i tried to reach out to him, try as hard as he tried for me. but i knew it wasn't worth the humiliation. it was different.

i heard of this new girl he had. her name, i knew her. i remembered her as the girl i met in mall jail. she didn't say much. it was 8th grade. i was insecure, and i admired her. she was beautiful and perfect and i thought to myself " why can't i be her" and to find out this was the new girl in his life, made me feel like a downgrade. a waste.

he was rude about it all. you know? rubbing his happiness in my face. telling people lies and making me seem like a stalker. he called be obsessed. he told people i was nuts. "she's a crazy psychotic bitch". . i have a mental disorder. im on medicine. he knew this, and didnt care. i was too used to being called crazy. i didnt want to believe it. and i would cry because i let someone go when i knew i should've fought harder. but it wasn't my fault. i would've if i knew there was a chance. he cheated, lied, loved, and left. next thingi knew his only goal was to make me feel lower than before. why was i putting up with this? what is wrong with me, i thought!

i couldnt get over him. every boy i talked to made me sick. i couldn't look at them. i just wanted him. he was so handsome. it hurt. and i lost it. and now someone else has it.

i was on tumblr and i found a picture. this girl was holding up a sign. it said " i hope she gives you aids" it was funny, the girl was smiling. i wanted that happiness. a kind of " fuck you for all the pain" kind of smile. i wanted that.

he was so immature 120% of the time in our relationship, and i was mature 99% of the time. i post this picture, " to one crazy psychotic bitch to another <3" and i GET ATTACKED. you know what? im not sorry! at all. it helped me. it inched me closer to being able to say " IM OVER YOU" he deserved it. he did all these terrible things to me and left me alone, and thenc ontinued to make me look pathetic, pitiful, like a loser. i know i can get better! he's a terrible person. a typical guy, lies lies lies. and i did this for ME. i was tired of doing things for other people. and this HELPED me. and that's ALL that matter. SO JUDGE ME. I DARE YOU.

but see if i care first.

because now i feel better.

and im moving on.

thank you.

that is all.

the 9 attitude

 You are the leader. At work, you’ll not just do your job but everyone else’s. Wherever you go, people will look at you as the person in charge. Your way of life is basically “Show me what to do, and I will do it.” If you have any emotional scars from your childhood, you need to let them go. If you do not, it can lead to depression. You are very quick to help others, but you must learn to establish healthy boundaries so as not to be drained emotionally.

bitter feelings

October 26, 2012

Like it matters. They are both freshman. Finally going after someone you own age now, are you? What a weird thing. You changed one thing I know that, your standards. Always thought she was ugly. And its ironic because you talked a whole bunch of crap about her and she did the same for you. Oh did she tell me stories. I didn’t think youd go for someone like her. If you are talking to Taylor, id feel a little jealous of HER because she is gorgeous, but this girl is so not. Talk abput a downgrade. Honestly makes me feel a l ittle better about myself . ha, makes me laugh.

im being so bitter. i dont like it. i dont like the person i have become in result of this situation

second chances, they don't matter. people never change.

I GAVE him a second chance. And he can’t “grace” me with one. The fact is I didn’t even do anything wrong. he's the one who cheated. And now he just walks away after trying so hard?Does he not understand I need closure. Is this just a test? he wants to switch the roles. Well, I see how it is. I strung him along, kept him close because I wanted him to be mine. after he cheated i wasnt sure of myself and my insecurities got int he way of me believing anything he toldme. i couldnt believe anyone could love me. so i wasnt ready for a relationship. and right as i started to open up to him he leaves. And now, he wont even give me the time of day. hes talking to a new girl named taylor neely. shes perfect.

letters

and ill just put all the letters i wrote you and tuck them away in a box, safe under my bed.

anxious about anxiety

i need to see someone. i dont know how to say it or who to talk to. things in my life have finally reached a level of breakage. waking up is now becoming a daily struggle. sleeping is the best part of my day because i am unconscious and unaware, unaffected by my surroundings. i do not feel there is anything left, nor anything to lie for. anxiety and depression have become particularly bad. i fear there will be no change. and failure will continue to consume me. im tired. and i cant think, organize my thoughts, or organize my priorities. there is ultimate failure in my future. there are no more options

tyler is a psychotic fuck

what did i do to change your mind. im sorry i really am. wow, so i was kinda like nothing to you, huh?
eh okay i mean thats life right
no
no its not
yes. yah nooooooo
no, yes it is life, i just wish it wasnt. i wish it could be easy but ts not. man you're  a piece of shit tyler.
you're a big waste.no, you're not a waste. you helped me a lot, thanks for the experience bro. you gave me the experience of 5 different relationships, one including a guy with two-personalities you crazy fuck

Sephora can't buy you happiness

you know i hate people like you.
like everyone in this world
. who made the crazy idea that there is this one diminsional way to look, dress, act and talk that we must conform to, and who ever doesnt, is "weird" or not "normal". thats just absurb. who made these labels. who or waht determines if someone is cool or lame. its annoys me, how looks or sports defne your social status. and all the things likes personality or intelligence, place last in the race to be popular. and those kids who dont care about being popular? well, thats "weird". who doesnt want to be popular? its like everyones top proirty. .

you know what..
who cares who you're seen with. who cares who you're attracted to, if they're cool, or what grade their in. if you like them, nothing else should matter.

searching for happiness in popularity is like searching for windex in sephora.
odds are you're not gonna find it. and if you do find windex in sephora then something is really wrong with that picture. im just saying.

Opening up. teenage love problems, why why why.

I'm a very outgoing , open person to everyone. i love meeting new people. I almost don't have any boundaries. I feel secure when i feel comfortable around me peers. i like to know who i have to spend every day with.

It's proven. As you get older, criticism becomes more harsh, as does judgement.

I've noticed with teenagers, we do things in order to avoid getting judged. because feeling inferior, rejected or wrong, is our biggest fear. we like to be liked.

i remember when we first kissed. truthfully it was my first real kiss. technically it wasnt.

it was the second time i hung out with him. i was nervous. he had experience, i knew it. i didn't. i was real scared. i thought he would JUDGE me if i was bad . he kepy setting it up so he could kiss me. and i kept turning it down. he thought i just didnt want to kiss him. " yes" i said "i do i just..i dont know" and layed my head on his chest. "you aren't going to leave without kissing me" he said. and he sat on the arm of the couch, pulled me closer, and i gave him a small peck " THERE!" i said. ready for it to be over. i was very UNCOMFORTABLE. i didn't know him very well and thought he was too good for me.

but we walked to the soccer fields, and into the woods, where we kissed awkwardly, and he said " no" and pulled me away, and led me out of the forest. oh god i screwed it up, i thought. oh. god.

i remember that day. we were walking on the pavement path, past a bride. we talked about hunting. there was a double rainbow outside. we rode in the back of his truck back to his house.

i compare the first kiss, to the last.

the last time i kiss tyler it was magical. it was a week and a half ago. October 5th.

we kept coming back to each other, boy was it so cute. we kissed. then he walks away, stops, and runs right bak to me " one more kiss he says, and gives me a wet one. and walks away, runs right back, "ONE MORE" and we walk away again, i run back " please don't go, one last kiss" and laugh. we walk, part ways, this time we don't run back, but im smiling, he's smiling, and we look backa t each other. it's perfect.

from the first kiss to the last, it shows how much more ocmfortable i got with him. from being utterly scared out of my wits, to wanting to kiss him nonstop.

it's crazy to believe, just two days later, everything changed.

[i didnt even know how to open up

and once i did

he left

i could get juniors and seniors

who can drive

who are sweeter

and better

but

it feels so wrong

to think of any guy like i think of him

you get so comfortable with someone

you dont know how to be not super incredibly close with someone else

and you dont know how to get close with a guy again]

Vampire Weekend makes me happy.

kinda felt happy for a moment. listening to some vampire weekend, i start to feel warm inside, smile,a nd i feel a little at ease. almost completely over it. and then hailey weber starting tweeting about tyler. and i can feel my gut heating up. like a spark ignited the match on a bomb, bout to explode.
a little bit earlier i went on a twitter rampage. you know, going off about tyler. helped a bit, i would say. maybe a lot... to realize a bit of tension. but now i feel stupid and immature. i feel guilty. probably look dumb too. but you know. its done with. it happened. and now i cant take the small steps on the road to recovery. maybe i can heal this broken heart faster than i thought.

worst feeling

The most annoying feeling is when you could of had some one but you didn't realize it, and now you want them but it's too late. Gaaahh

Pain is fuel

What did I mean. What did I mean to you. Nothing I assume. Just a poster girl on your wall. A blurry image that you would fantasize about in your dreams, the dreams floating through your young immature mind. And maybe it's hard for one of such cognitive fiber to understand why he feels a certain way, what fueled him to keep going, keep chasing after a girl who was clearly less than him in many societal categories . A girl who was unaware and hard to please, a girl who was always thinking, but always about the wrong things. Things came easy to him. He has lived a fairly easy life. But still his mind finds itself wandering away from his consciousness, he , finding himself creeping into the dark corners of depression. What fuels him I continue to ask, to go after such a girl like me, who keeps declining his efforts and refusing to believe his heart. Me, believing that he has obviously embellished the truth. And these embellishments were eventually going to reveal themselves, creating a fool out of me. And that is what I didn't want. To be made a fool.
As I sent another piercing word through his heart, I could almost feel his pain. As I looked into his defeated , heartbroken eyes, I could feel the pressure piling underneath the poor boys Pride.He had everything, it came easily. But i was a challenge . A challenge he wished to advance.
The pain of failure fueled him to achieve.

The end

The end
Is just
The start
It's a cycle

Katy Perry is so smart

I kind of believe in this fairy tale. If you can believe in somethingsgreat you can achieve something great. I will do everything it takes to not fail, and. I did everything it took. But it still failed. The bad that comes along with the good is a journey, and I learned so much from that journey, -Katy perry

TEENAGE LOVE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME

Look I love you, i know you love me its never to late as long as we are both willing to make things work. If you honestly want me to move on and let you be with this new girl I will if you feel she is right for you. But if you still think about me and miss me then it doesent have to be this way. 

i found this on a forum, so relevant

" I realized I was not ready to lose him and was willing to sacrifice my social life, anything to prove to him i was ready to be the girlfriend he deserved all along. At first he would not even listen, or consider the thought of us getting back together he said it was too late, the damage had been done and it was time to go our separate ways.


I just felt in my heart, and soul it was not over. I was struggling to decide whether or not i should just let it be and give him space to realize we can work this out, or should i fight for him and make him see im ready to change"

drop by drop

 10 12 12

i want that name to mean nothing to me anymore. i want to be able to look at it, and feel nothing. i look at it now and a spark runs down my spine, just like every time we touched. and we are both hurt, i know we are both lost.

but lost, is something i have always been.

 now the tears that drop from my eyes are warm. they aren’t the bitter ones, that burn your throat as you cry. they arent the ones that are sour, and salty. they aren’t the ones that are full of pain. they are numb, like me. its funny how tears reflect your emotions.

they are pain leaving the body, drop by drop, and for me, i feel a tad bit less condensed and suffocated in thought. 

the words on my computer screen arent distorted from the tears anymore,as they have cleared. and im hungry. and food may just be the only thing motivating me to move.

i talked to him on the phone last night

a bitter seed. 10 12 12

ever since the only man to love me left me , a bitter seed was planted inside of me. my feelings were blurred, hard to comprehend. and i  didnt know. i never know. but today i found my self even more oblivious.

i talked to him on the phone last night. called him up, and it helped. he told me, that basically besides what was clearly prominent, he wasnt happy. he still loved me and a part of him always will. and it made me smile. and the seed grew into a marvelous blossomed tree.

i dont even exist.

0 10 12

what really hurt me the most was how he looked straight through me. how he looked at me like i was a stranger. when just days earlier, the same guy, with the same eyes, looked at me like i was his everything.

he looked at me in a way i was just TOO used to.

evry guy, just looks right through me and i dont even exist. the kind of penetrating stare that makes you feel really bad about yourself.

it was stab to the heart.

i could feel my gut drop, and all my fears were confirmed. he was smiling, he was…happy. happier without me.

and that just made me feel like evrything he said, was all a lie.

the one thing he told me was that he was only happy when he was with me, how special i was , and how we didnt want anyone but me.

things change, right?

i felt so special, it was nice for a change. it was a first. and to have that all swept away, in the blink of eye? the worst.

after we ended things, you called.

10-9-12 dear tyler dean porter

You don’t make any sense. You shouldn’t call me. And talk to me like we are still a thing…you shouldn’t call me and make me feel like there was a chance. I GAVE you a second chance. And you can’t “grace” me with one. The fact is I didn’t even do anything wrong. You’re the one who cheated. And now you just walk away after trying so hard?

Where does that put you? What does that make you.. it makes you a hypocrite, and a quitter, and it makes you look rather un-prioritized, unorganized with your thoughts, and just an overall mess. You can’t even give me one last kiss. Do you not understand I need closure. Is this just a test? You want to switch the roles. Well, I see how it is. I let you, strung you along, kept you close because I wanted you to be mine. And now, you wont even give me the time of day.

You may have changed, tyler, but you haven’t matured.

We aren’t meant for each other, ha, I was right.

But I have one last thing to say to you.

FUCK YOU, for making me believe we could work out and you were worth it, FUCK YOU for giving up on me, FUCK YOU for finally convinving me that you loved me, only for you to walk away and never talk to me again.’you disgust me

Text her.

vtyler 9-22-12

yeah so just text her …text emily, text her because the day before you asked me out and i said let’s take it slow. is itimpossible to ask for that? for a little time..?

text her because we call each other every night, call each other babe, and keep each other up. i think you SHOULD text her, even though 5 hours earlier you kissed me goodbye.

we still had something, i hope we still have something

before

before:

what is this llol

kinda empty feeligs idk im just like really tired and what are thoughts like i cant

lol

but really ty told me that he loves me

i mean he always said it. but this time he said it differently

he told me he that because of me, he knew what it felt like to be in love

9-23-12

you’re lame and annoying and i do not want you

you do not please me

i am not comfortable around you

you are immature

and you dont make me happy

after:

omg i love u y did i not recognize how amazing u r 

omg omg i luv u so much come bac

wut is my problem ihave issues fuck

What to expect while expecting

10/6/12

the littlest things in life are the greatest.

i struggle with the everyday things that i should be able to handle.

i struggle with myself, almmmost every aspect of it. its hard, trying to disect every little thought and feeling. i never understand myself, and each time i collect another failed attempt to do so, a harsh veil is placed over my thoughts.

layers and layers just clouding my vision. and thats what life is , right> just one big visiion. its how you see it, thats what life is, the way you see it.  its so so so

exasperating .

u call me you tell me how you wished i wwas there. and then you tell me how amanda came and you had a good time. you know, i didnt want to hear that , but i didnt really get hurt. it was kind of, expected. it shouldnt be, but it was. and left alone, with movies on demand, i watched

“What to expect while expecting”

i wish i knew what to expect. but i cant seem to differ fantasy from reality.

i sat there and watched this movie, noticed how the men acted, and found that one of the characters relationship was vaguely similar to my current one. it was interesting. the girl acted like me. passive, fierce, independent for so long that she was convinced she was meant to be that way, thats how it should be. letting this boy go, he kept trying, and she kept walking away. she wasnt aware that the things he said to her, the feeling he felt for her, they were all so so true, and real. she didnt believe it, she was hurt, and she was in fear that she would continue to be hurt..

she didnt let him in, and she felt like it was right. it was the right decision for her. to be alone; it was the way it needed to be. but she found herself to be unhappy. unsatsified with the empty feeling she felt after he was absent from her life.

i coiuld feel it…i could feel what she felt only because i was looking for my thought, confused, unsure of how i truely felt, and she was too. but she became conscious of it later, she became AWARE. and this awwareness is what brought her and her guy together. its what binded them in a bond.

they would impossible, different, and completely wrong for each other.’

but once they found joy in each others presesnce, they couldnt live without it in any way.

FATHER

my happiness is stunted

everytime i feel anything of joy, i feel settled, complete.

and he comes in and crushes it.

my dad wont leave me alone. i feel so happy when its just me but when he or my mom comes to talk to me, i find all my contentness and joy to escape me.

happiness drained form my body through wet tears rolling down my cheeks.

and they taste sour.

shadows.

10/6/12

dark shadows follow me

they cover me with ice

chills down my spine

some days the shadows disapeer

with no warning

spects of light warm my skin

and the wind flows with my hair like water

and a feelings of warmth i am overcome with

completlness inhabits my mind

and i am content

but im riddled with fright

and eaten with fear

that the shadow may one day

 carry my happiness away

and as i fear

one cloudy day

 a shadow reappears

with no warning

and sucks the happiness away

and i sit there in pain

the sun has subsided

and the joy leaves my body

through wet tears

streaming down my face

they taste sour

and salty and bitter

and im empty

drained of my life

and once again

the shadow wins a battle

that i have fought for years

and there is nothing to show

except for my tears

THE DAY AFTER

i think its very healthy to spend time alone. you need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person

Go.

im tored
my eyes are heavy
my knees ache
can i go to sleep

a poem by erin johnson

my feet are cold.
i dont care about much
i dont care if you're gone
if you leave me
im cold
and all i care about
is finding a blanket
because im cold

lol

I loved my bestfriend when i was dating him.

found this journal entry from when i was dating tyler:

and then he calls me

july 23 2012

and here i am, sitting next to tyler. sweating, hair frizzing, shaking nervously. he doesnt get me. this is pain to get him to laugh. i dont feel comfortable.

and i leave. anxiety is in full swing now. im shaking. and i feel like a fool. im foolish and stupid and im not good enough.. tyler couldnt even look at me? was i that unbearable. he could lie all he wanted over text, through the phone, but it must’ve gotten so hard to say i was beautiful when he looked in my eyes, and realized i wasnt.

i came home.im freaking out, i need to calm down and find reality. then barbara nicole gorilla face and asain victoria decide to put me on blast on twitter.

cool.

and then i get a call.

and its from “fag”

michael! my bestfriend. my love. the perfect guy. and we talk and like usual he makes me laugh. and i lvoe him. and i feel so lost and confused. because as much as i want to be with him, i know theres a slim chance he’d feel the same, and for now i was better off with tyler.

there was never really a emotional connection. it was all ....physical. he liked me he wanted me as arm candy. saw my pictures and wanted to be able to say thats my girl. he say me and thught i was cute. he saw my body, my boobs....
and i saw him.
he was hot. a beautiful handsome boy. what was so appealing about hi?
was it his sweet brown puppy eyes, with long dark eyelashes that were just perfect. was it his height, or his tan skin. was it his cute little smile and toned stomach? he was cute. he was hot, and i wanted to show him off too.

and that's what im missing
im doing the wrong thing , im feeling the wrong thing but this is how it is. this is the way its gonna be.
i lost him, no, he LOST ME.
thats right. i might not be able to jump on him , wrap my legs around his body and kiss him again.
i may not be able to lay in a bed with our bodies intertwined holding each other again...
but he wont get the chance to do that with me ever ever again either,


you see its a two way street. it hurts a lot. it hurts to see him with other girls, because i feel like thats my job.
but i have to get passed this pain.
it aches. i ache. the pain is terrible

I was stumbling through my venting twitter and found this from when i was dating Tyler :
If I didn't care about you then why are you my wallpaper on my phone? Oh yeah because I want to look at people I don't care about everyday.
If I don't care about you, why am I still trying to make this relationship work? Why am I even in this relationship if I didn't care.If I didn't care about your heart, your happiness, and just plain you, I would've told you this a long time ago:
I don't love you, I'm not happy, and I want to leave, but I want to love you, I want to be happy, and im willing to stay.

What he did to me.

It's so hard I want to cry. I was playing him, he didn't even know. But now he's played me. He did and I want to refuses to believe it but its true. I wasn't much anything to him. He got over me, and left me stuck trying to pick up the pieces. I knew this would happen. I knew I would start to have feelings for him once he was gone. I hate my brain, I hate my heart. I want to go back to the start

Suicide.

I'm so upset. I just wish I could disappear off the earth, now. I wish someone could end the pain in my life, let me be, and people could leave me alone. I just want to be happy, I just want to feel your warm embrace. I can literally feel my heart breaking. And the emptiness if frightening.

He cheated on me.

Leslie told me, she said
"Erin, guess what, someone told me tyler cheated on you with Meghan Wheustoff." my jaw drops to the floor.
Well, we were broken up when she told me this.
but yet i still was troubled by the news. i was mad, more like, confused. i was in shock, and the feelings is
so very undescribable. basically i was angry yet happy. laughing un controllably at his foolish-ness. oh, tyler, tyler.
it's funny how stupid you were to mess with me!
so there i called up friends and just yelled and screamed and they were just there, listening.
" I'm just trying to figure out which method of murder i am going to use on him" i would tell them.
I used this situation as an opurtunity to get a couple laughs. even people on twitter praised me for my tweets about slutty 7th graders and guys with a lack of respect, along with the things i ought to do to them,
I felt weird. i felt, almost defeated.
For the whole two months that we dated, i had the control. i thought i had him eating out of the palm of my hand! and even before we were dating he would tell me how much  he was going to try.
"no, i don't want a realtoinship, its summer, i don't want to be tied down" " trust me" he said " I'm not going to stop until i make you my girl" i always kept that in the back of my mind. it was a glorious feeling. but now i realize, that didnt mean he was going to keep trying, even after he got me.
I remember the long nights where i just sat there ,  stuck between not wanting to be stuck in a realtionship, and trying to make this kid happy. i have this phone call saved in my phone. i recorded it. i told him how i didnt want to be with him,but i didnt want anyone esle to be either.
"I want to be with someone i feel strongly about"
"so you dont feel strongly about me, at all?"
"NO."

i felt the sadness in this phone call. it almost radiated out from the phone and just swallowed me. like a drifting memory.
the smell of bread baking, the scent fading, flowing through the air, finally reaching me as i close my eyes and let it encase me . and for a second i forget all that is happening.
i remember the time when i was the one that held the relatoinship up. it was all up to me. if i siad no, it was over, but not without a fight.


and then in a second i was back in the present. thinking of the night we broke up. how if i said no, there would be no fight. there would be relief. and that was unsettling. i liked knowing that i had someone who would fight for me until they could not fight no more. knowing that i didnt have to put a drop of effort, and i had a boy, who would do whatever it would take, to make me believe that i should. i LIKED knowing i had a boy like him; that was like a little dog, a little companion always there for you, no matter how many times you kicked them, forgot to feed them, yelled at them, the little things would always come back. they would defend you and guaard you; protect you.
and my gut sank, as i came to the realization that i didnt have my little dog anymore.

the feeling is still there. the feeling of regret, for not being able to hang out with him as much as i could. for not trying hard enough, for throwing his feelings around like they didnt matter at all, for even THINKING his feelings didnt matter.
the power i felt was addicting. i had his feelings, and i could throw the around , twist them, and pick them right back up.

and then look were we are now, he has regained the power over his own feelings, and he now is in control of mine. picking them up and throwing them back down like i did to him
was this a mirroring act? was this some sort of karma, some extra terristrial force giving me what i desereverd?
i must remember how i TOLD him "no" so many times, and then i said yes one day. i was done with him, it was either, we stop talking and i lose control, or we be in a realtionship, andi continue my control.
and we all know how erin johnson loves her control.-

his sweet words would stick in the back of my mind, repeating theirselves over and over..
the more i thought about it, the more i realized this was the first guy to put this much effort in. this was the first guy, to stick around and keep trying. he told me he would never give up. he would always try. he said" I want you".
"I want you so bad" ...

what changed the us after the breakup

we ended up in the same place, same party, ended up bad. we had JUST broke up. there was still tension. he was rude and mean




We had just discussed the plan. We needed one and we both knew it. We talked slowly, he was staring blankly at the ground in shame, as I talked, being careful with his feelings. I remember at one point, I said " I believe the reason our relationship didn't work was because you didnt know me, you never did" "you're right I didn't know you" he agreed.

He explained how he is trying to find the right one. And with every girl there is a time where he believed she's the one." I'm trying to find the right girl" "you're so young, why are you trying to find your wife in high school." He couldn't find words he said " it's like I'm two different people. I don't want to be fake. I'm not fake and I will never be". He was silent as I tried to figure him out.

"you're okay" I said as I looked up at his face. He closed his eyes and breathed hard.. Trying not to cry, His nose flared. I could see the pain. my arm was around him. He looked away. Couldn't even look at me. "you wanna sit down" he nods and sits down, puts his hands on his face, head down. I remembered how he loved when people scratched his head. So I did. He took my hands and through them off. I didn't know whether to be offended Or not. Was this his way of putting me in my place? I wasn't his girlfriend anymore. Or did he feel bad, eaten with guilt...he cheated me, he broke me. And yet I was still here, talking to him, soft words Reassuring him. Me reaching out, unaffected by his wrong decisions. He moved my hands because he didn't feel worthy of my affection 

You see, how did we even get to this point? Well: Minutes before, I had saw him leaving. I was going to talk to him earlier but i was nervous, frightened. I had never been scared to talk to him before. But now he was leaving. I had to grab him before it was too late.I ran after him and caught up. Grabbed him. "Tyler, wait." "no" he said. Couldn't turn my way. He kept walking. I didn't want to let him go. "Tyler why are you being like this" " I'm sorry I can't.." "stop! Talk to me, please" "no" he rushes to his car. my running comes to a hault. I sadden, knowing i blew my chance, and watched him get inside the car. I turn around and nikki starts up towards their car. "Erin come" I tried to argue but I thought why not. " only if you hold my hand, Nikki" . We locked fingers and proceeded to the car. There we approach Isabel and kory. We talk and it's not so bad. We laugh, trying to ignore Tyler in the car blasting music. I look in the car, and he's there. He signals me to come to his window. This is where I'm not sure if it was all a act because he felt obligated, I was there and he looked like the bad guy. Or did he want to talk; want to figure things out; was he genuine.? I come over. And he's there. Obviously in distress.. He says "I'm just mad, and jealous, and envious" how long had he been thinking of an excuse to make up For his prior behavior? Or did Juna tell him what to say? What to believe... But he looks sad. I notice one thing. : his voice. It's deep and Soothing. I recognized it. He used this voice during serious phone calls. On our first date at the dance recital. It was smooth and seemed rehearsed. I remember it was a red flag for me the first time I heard it. he had charm, but was he just TOO smooth. He was saying all the right things, all the things I wanted to hear. I was afraid his words were meaningless, forced. It scared me that I didn't know, and couldn't figure it out.



I gave him two options. We could have no contact. We could be strangers and act like nothing ever happened, we never dated. 

OR, we could be friends.

I left out the third option I had have him on the night we broke up. It was to continue our relationship and fix the issues. He had picked this one then. But we all knew what really had to happen. 

one, or two. Pick one for me. 

He stands up, gives me a hug, I can feel a change in the air. A silence over the crowd. Isabel, kory , and Nikki quieted. I wasn't looking at them but I could feel their stares. "two" he whispered. "I pick choice two" 

And now we are back to the beginning. Where my arm was around him and he was almost in tears. 

"if you ever need anything, text me"
I walked away.

writing and writing and writing and yet i still always have something to say

Why i Broke up with him.

i was fed up because he wasnt who i wanted in a boyfriend and i had to fake my feelings because i felt bad and i wasted such a long time trying so hard to care for him. and he was immature , i couldnt be myself around him, i felt like he judged me, i felt awkward and uncomfortable, his sister hated me, and he was never there to comfort me or help me with my problems because apparently thats not his job.

"SO WHAT DID HE SAY"

no, no, he would say nothing. and that was worse than "idgaf" but i asked why he didnt say anyhing and he basically said he didnt care about the sad stuff. or what i had to say about anything that wasnt directly relevant to our relationship.

--
i didnt have any feelings for him, in fact i had feelings for someone else, THE PLAYER GOT PLAYED
and he mightve been "done" and "fed up" but i had already been fed up since day 1. and i had him whipped like a dawg
not to mention even after a long phone call
even after he told me " ALL MY PROBLEMS ARE YOU"
he still said he wanted to be in a relationshp
AND I SAID NO NIGGA WE ARE GONNA BE FRIENDS
and he was like 'we need a break"
"yes nigga that is why i said friends"

--
 HE TOLD me he was the perfect boyfriend and never did anything wrong

--
so one time he invited me to the movies right
.....
with his grandma
but wait
get this
yes, grandma and his sister, and her best friend, and her other best friend, who all conviently hate my guts
so okay cool, awkward long ass car ride get me out of this relatioNship
youre a freshman
UM NO
GET A LICENSE AND WE MAY SPEAK
OK WELL COOL, LOOK LETS SIT ALL ON THE SAME DAMN ROW TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE
HEY WHATS UUP TYLER'S GRANDMA
HOW U DOINGGGGGGGGGGGG.
honestly that is just not okay and it made me beyond pissed. he did nothelp the situation.

----
the other time i was at sylvias and he came, and i had to leave
but he stayed with her
my bestfriend and my boyfriend
and he brings her to his uncle's house
HOLD ON LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT
HE BRINGS HER TO HIS UNCLES HOUSE
AND INTRODUCES HER
wat, WAT.WUT.
he just met this girl? he just met my best friend....and why does he feel the need to make her meet his family.
so after he meets her
he will not stop bringing her up
NO
nigga
NO
stahp
okay do you like her or.
__
insults he told me:
YOU HAVE NO BUTT
you back goes straight down to your ankles ( which means you have no ass)
you're flat
you do not have DSL
i would not want to do anything sexual with you because you have small hands and you do not have dsl.

,

hahahahaha, see. i was a good girlfriend, i never actually hurt him, which i shouldve
and i told him it hurt my feelings one day
i went off on him
not even a lot
just like " that hurts please stop"
and he gets mad at me
HOLD ON, GET THIS
HE
GETS MAD ATME
FOR BEING HURT BY HIS INSULTS
BECAUSE HE SAYS I NEED TO TAKE A JOKE


ok right? i can take a joke if i know its not true. but that day i was like "what if ______, is it a problem? DO I have a small ass" and that same day he tell sme all of these "jokes" and it made me feel so completely insecure/
__

let me also tell you this
HE HATES TAKING PICTURES
UM
UMMMMMMMMMM...
...
...
RM
DOYOU
KNOW
ME
I
THINK
YOU
DO
. i am a photographer
.....AND YOU HATE TAKING PICTURES? sorry but that pisses me off to a level that is unreachable.
how annoying. i love pictures and you refuse to even take one. way to make me look and feel like an idoit.
__

so we were at pigskin. and this nigga is like my fucking son, i am his mother. i have to control him. he took my umbrella and start poking and stabing every single girl. he goes up to caroline phelan and hits her in the vagina. and she tells me this. so i bring tyler into this huge circle full of the popular people, i a force him to apologize. the im like 'good job" and i slapped him so hard, there was silence
--

he would blame me for not being able to hang out like i could control my devil of a father. i was going through some hard times and all he did was complain about how i shouldnt be bipolar or depressed and how it wasnt fun
and he dared to say, the night we broke up "i have done nothing wrong"


__

you know what he told me
he told me when emma and him were dating, he came accross me on facebook, wrote my name down for when they broke up. i wonder how many other names he has written down when we were dating hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
HE SAVED MY NAME FOR LATER

___


and he never laughed at me which made me feel uncomfortable
i feel like he acted completley fake around me
told me all his sad stories
but never let me tell mine
because thats not his job right?

his job is not to listen to me
but i have to listen to him
ITS MY JOB BUT NOT YOURS HMMM TELL ME MORE
OH AND YOU CANT SPELL BEAUTIFUL. AND NO I DO NOT TAKE "YOUR BEUATIFUL" AS A COMPLIMENT FIRST OFF, YOU USED THE WRONG "YOU'RE" TAKE A DAMN FIRST GRADE ENGLISH CLASS PLEASE
EVEN AFTER I CORRECT HIM
IT DOES NOT CHANGE
HE NEVER LEARNED
AND WAIT
BUT WAAAAAAAAIT
HE DIDNT KNOW ANY OF MY VOCABULARY
I LITERALLY HAD TO LOWER MY LEVEL OF GRAMMAR AND SPELLIG FOR HIM
I HAD TO USE 3RD GRADE VOCAB.

__
he told me he loved me the first week of dating. obvious lie. red flag.

__

THE SECOND TIME WE FACETIMED
I WAS IN A SPORTS BRA
BECAUSE I WAS IN BED RIGHT
AND HE WAS LIKE
"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO SHOW A LITTLE BIT OF CLASS"
...............
..
.
.
......
..........
.........
well damn
__
__

im sorry dad.

Dear father
This is an apology letter.
The silence you gave me regarding the current situation was very troubling to me and it left me feeling extremeley guilty.i feel like i havelet you down in so many ways and it hurts me. although when im angry i say mean things, and at timesi do meant hem. you're mindset on parenting is extremeley exhausting and frustrating.
I know there is no way to prove to you at all that people DO NOT pick me up at any times,
It is not true, because people don't ever pick me up. in fact, that was the first time.i know you wont believe it but, hand on bible, it is true. I went to mcdonalds, and with my own money, bought a frappe, and then proceeded home. where ben walked me to my door and was going to leave. that is the full and ocmplete story with no open ends.
It is very frustrating that you probably wont believe me, but this is a written explaination.
I would like you to trust me although i know most of your trust is gone. i would like for you to understand that there are no unholy activites going on, and there havent been, and there will not be. i do not want you to thing i am a bad child who would do things suchs as drink, smoke, or even anything sexual.
unlike a lot of girls at my school, i do have self respect and i am often criticised because of it.
i told the therapist that i wish you and mom would understand that i am strong-willed and i do not take anything from anybody. i am not easily or even influenced at all. NO ONE influences me.
I have a strong head and a strong opinion. thank you for not yelling at me, i assume that was the better thing to do, since now
i feel extremely bad nad guilty, and just terrible.
I FEEL REALLY BAD. because i feel like you think im doing something and i know imnot.
i KNOW.
I'm sorry for ever making you feel bad. im a good person. and i  would for you to believe that too.

im so so sorry.
-erin\