He cheated on me.

Leslie told me, she said
"Erin, guess what, someone told me tyler cheated on you with Meghan Wheustoff." my jaw drops to the floor.
Well, we were broken up when she told me this.
but yet i still was troubled by the news. i was mad, more like, confused. i was in shock, and the feelings is
so very undescribable. basically i was angry yet happy. laughing un controllably at his foolish-ness. oh, tyler, tyler.
it's funny how stupid you were to mess with me!
so there i called up friends and just yelled and screamed and they were just there, listening.
" I'm just trying to figure out which method of murder i am going to use on him" i would tell them.
I used this situation as an opurtunity to get a couple laughs. even people on twitter praised me for my tweets about slutty 7th graders and guys with a lack of respect, along with the things i ought to do to them,
I felt weird. i felt, almost defeated.
For the whole two months that we dated, i had the control. i thought i had him eating out of the palm of my hand! and even before we were dating he would tell me how much  he was going to try.
"no, i don't want a realtoinship, its summer, i don't want to be tied down" " trust me" he said " I'm not going to stop until i make you my girl" i always kept that in the back of my mind. it was a glorious feeling. but now i realize, that didnt mean he was going to keep trying, even after he got me.
I remember the long nights where i just sat there ,  stuck between not wanting to be stuck in a realtionship, and trying to make this kid happy. i have this phone call saved in my phone. i recorded it. i told him how i didnt want to be with him,but i didnt want anyone esle to be either.
"I want to be with someone i feel strongly about"
"so you dont feel strongly about me, at all?"
"NO."

i felt the sadness in this phone call. it almost radiated out from the phone and just swallowed me. like a drifting memory.
the smell of bread baking, the scent fading, flowing through the air, finally reaching me as i close my eyes and let it encase me . and for a second i forget all that is happening.
i remember the time when i was the one that held the relatoinship up. it was all up to me. if i siad no, it was over, but not without a fight.


and then in a second i was back in the present. thinking of the night we broke up. how if i said no, there would be no fight. there would be relief. and that was unsettling. i liked knowing that i had someone who would fight for me until they could not fight no more. knowing that i didnt have to put a drop of effort, and i had a boy, who would do whatever it would take, to make me believe that i should. i LIKED knowing i had a boy like him; that was like a little dog, a little companion always there for you, no matter how many times you kicked them, forgot to feed them, yelled at them, the little things would always come back. they would defend you and guaard you; protect you.
and my gut sank, as i came to the realization that i didnt have my little dog anymore.

the feeling is still there. the feeling of regret, for not being able to hang out with him as much as i could. for not trying hard enough, for throwing his feelings around like they didnt matter at all, for even THINKING his feelings didnt matter.
the power i felt was addicting. i had his feelings, and i could throw the around , twist them, and pick them right back up.

and then look were we are now, he has regained the power over his own feelings, and he now is in control of mine. picking them up and throwing them back down like i did to him
was this a mirroring act? was this some sort of karma, some extra terristrial force giving me what i desereverd?
i must remember how i TOLD him "no" so many times, and then i said yes one day. i was done with him, it was either, we stop talking and i lose control, or we be in a realtionship, andi continue my control.
and we all know how erin johnson loves her control.-

his sweet words would stick in the back of my mind, repeating theirselves over and over..
the more i thought about it, the more i realized this was the first guy to put this much effort in. this was the first guy, to stick around and keep trying. he told me he would never give up. he would always try. he said" I want you".
"I want you so bad" ...