I was stumbling through my venting twitter and found this from when i was dating Tyler :
If I didn't care about you then why are you my wallpaper on my phone? Oh yeah because I want to look at people I don't care about everyday.
If I don't care about you, why am I still trying to make this relationship work? Why am I even in this relationship if I didn't care.If I didn't care about your heart, your happiness, and just plain you, I would've told you this a long time ago:
I don't love you, I'm not happy, and I want to leave, but I want to love you, I want to be happy, and im willing to stay.

What he did to me.

It's so hard I want to cry. I was playing him, he didn't even know. But now he's played me. He did and I want to refuses to believe it but its true. I wasn't much anything to him. He got over me, and left me stuck trying to pick up the pieces. I knew this would happen. I knew I would start to have feelings for him once he was gone. I hate my brain, I hate my heart. I want to go back to the start

Suicide.

I'm so upset. I just wish I could disappear off the earth, now. I wish someone could end the pain in my life, let me be, and people could leave me alone. I just want to be happy, I just want to feel your warm embrace. I can literally feel my heart breaking. And the emptiness if frightening.

He cheated on me.

Leslie told me, she said
"Erin, guess what, someone told me tyler cheated on you with Meghan Wheustoff." my jaw drops to the floor.
Well, we were broken up when she told me this.
but yet i still was troubled by the news. i was mad, more like, confused. i was in shock, and the feelings is
so very undescribable. basically i was angry yet happy. laughing un controllably at his foolish-ness. oh, tyler, tyler.
it's funny how stupid you were to mess with me!
so there i called up friends and just yelled and screamed and they were just there, listening.
" I'm just trying to figure out which method of murder i am going to use on him" i would tell them.
I used this situation as an opurtunity to get a couple laughs. even people on twitter praised me for my tweets about slutty 7th graders and guys with a lack of respect, along with the things i ought to do to them,
I felt weird. i felt, almost defeated.
For the whole two months that we dated, i had the control. i thought i had him eating out of the palm of my hand! and even before we were dating he would tell me how much  he was going to try.
"no, i don't want a realtoinship, its summer, i don't want to be tied down" " trust me" he said " I'm not going to stop until i make you my girl" i always kept that in the back of my mind. it was a glorious feeling. but now i realize, that didnt mean he was going to keep trying, even after he got me.
I remember the long nights where i just sat there ,  stuck between not wanting to be stuck in a realtionship, and trying to make this kid happy. i have this phone call saved in my phone. i recorded it. i told him how i didnt want to be with him,but i didnt want anyone esle to be either.
"I want to be with someone i feel strongly about"
"so you dont feel strongly about me, at all?"
"NO."

i felt the sadness in this phone call. it almost radiated out from the phone and just swallowed me. like a drifting memory.
the smell of bread baking, the scent fading, flowing through the air, finally reaching me as i close my eyes and let it encase me . and for a second i forget all that is happening.
i remember the time when i was the one that held the relatoinship up. it was all up to me. if i siad no, it was over, but not without a fight.


and then in a second i was back in the present. thinking of the night we broke up. how if i said no, there would be no fight. there would be relief. and that was unsettling. i liked knowing that i had someone who would fight for me until they could not fight no more. knowing that i didnt have to put a drop of effort, and i had a boy, who would do whatever it would take, to make me believe that i should. i LIKED knowing i had a boy like him; that was like a little dog, a little companion always there for you, no matter how many times you kicked them, forgot to feed them, yelled at them, the little things would always come back. they would defend you and guaard you; protect you.
and my gut sank, as i came to the realization that i didnt have my little dog anymore.

the feeling is still there. the feeling of regret, for not being able to hang out with him as much as i could. for not trying hard enough, for throwing his feelings around like they didnt matter at all, for even THINKING his feelings didnt matter.
the power i felt was addicting. i had his feelings, and i could throw the around , twist them, and pick them right back up.

and then look were we are now, he has regained the power over his own feelings, and he now is in control of mine. picking them up and throwing them back down like i did to him
was this a mirroring act? was this some sort of karma, some extra terristrial force giving me what i desereverd?
i must remember how i TOLD him "no" so many times, and then i said yes one day. i was done with him, it was either, we stop talking and i lose control, or we be in a realtionship, andi continue my control.
and we all know how erin johnson loves her control.-

his sweet words would stick in the back of my mind, repeating theirselves over and over..
the more i thought about it, the more i realized this was the first guy to put this much effort in. this was the first guy, to stick around and keep trying. he told me he would never give up. he would always try. he said" I want you".
"I want you so bad" ...

what changed the us after the breakup

we ended up in the same place, same party, ended up bad. we had JUST broke up. there was still tension. he was rude and mean




We had just discussed the plan. We needed one and we both knew it. We talked slowly, he was staring blankly at the ground in shame, as I talked, being careful with his feelings. I remember at one point, I said " I believe the reason our relationship didn't work was because you didnt know me, you never did" "you're right I didn't know you" he agreed.

He explained how he is trying to find the right one. And with every girl there is a time where he believed she's the one." I'm trying to find the right girl" "you're so young, why are you trying to find your wife in high school." He couldn't find words he said " it's like I'm two different people. I don't want to be fake. I'm not fake and I will never be". He was silent as I tried to figure him out.

"you're okay" I said as I looked up at his face. He closed his eyes and breathed hard.. Trying not to cry, His nose flared. I could see the pain. my arm was around him. He looked away. Couldn't even look at me. "you wanna sit down" he nods and sits down, puts his hands on his face, head down. I remembered how he loved when people scratched his head. So I did. He took my hands and through them off. I didn't know whether to be offended Or not. Was this his way of putting me in my place? I wasn't his girlfriend anymore. Or did he feel bad, eaten with guilt...he cheated me, he broke me. And yet I was still here, talking to him, soft words Reassuring him. Me reaching out, unaffected by his wrong decisions. He moved my hands because he didn't feel worthy of my affection 

You see, how did we even get to this point? Well: Minutes before, I had saw him leaving. I was going to talk to him earlier but i was nervous, frightened. I had never been scared to talk to him before. But now he was leaving. I had to grab him before it was too late.I ran after him and caught up. Grabbed him. "Tyler, wait." "no" he said. Couldn't turn my way. He kept walking. I didn't want to let him go. "Tyler why are you being like this" " I'm sorry I can't.." "stop! Talk to me, please" "no" he rushes to his car. my running comes to a hault. I sadden, knowing i blew my chance, and watched him get inside the car. I turn around and nikki starts up towards their car. "Erin come" I tried to argue but I thought why not. " only if you hold my hand, Nikki" . We locked fingers and proceeded to the car. There we approach Isabel and kory. We talk and it's not so bad. We laugh, trying to ignore Tyler in the car blasting music. I look in the car, and he's there. He signals me to come to his window. This is where I'm not sure if it was all a act because he felt obligated, I was there and he looked like the bad guy. Or did he want to talk; want to figure things out; was he genuine.? I come over. And he's there. Obviously in distress.. He says "I'm just mad, and jealous, and envious" how long had he been thinking of an excuse to make up For his prior behavior? Or did Juna tell him what to say? What to believe... But he looks sad. I notice one thing. : his voice. It's deep and Soothing. I recognized it. He used this voice during serious phone calls. On our first date at the dance recital. It was smooth and seemed rehearsed. I remember it was a red flag for me the first time I heard it. he had charm, but was he just TOO smooth. He was saying all the right things, all the things I wanted to hear. I was afraid his words were meaningless, forced. It scared me that I didn't know, and couldn't figure it out.



I gave him two options. We could have no contact. We could be strangers and act like nothing ever happened, we never dated. 

OR, we could be friends.

I left out the third option I had have him on the night we broke up. It was to continue our relationship and fix the issues. He had picked this one then. But we all knew what really had to happen. 

one, or two. Pick one for me. 

He stands up, gives me a hug, I can feel a change in the air. A silence over the crowd. Isabel, kory , and Nikki quieted. I wasn't looking at them but I could feel their stares. "two" he whispered. "I pick choice two" 

And now we are back to the beginning. Where my arm was around him and he was almost in tears. 

"if you ever need anything, text me"
I walked away.

writing and writing and writing and yet i still always have something to say

Why i Broke up with him.

i was fed up because he wasnt who i wanted in a boyfriend and i had to fake my feelings because i felt bad and i wasted such a long time trying so hard to care for him. and he was immature , i couldnt be myself around him, i felt like he judged me, i felt awkward and uncomfortable, his sister hated me, and he was never there to comfort me or help me with my problems because apparently thats not his job.

"SO WHAT DID HE SAY"

no, no, he would say nothing. and that was worse than "idgaf" but i asked why he didnt say anyhing and he basically said he didnt care about the sad stuff. or what i had to say about anything that wasnt directly relevant to our relationship.

--
i didnt have any feelings for him, in fact i had feelings for someone else, THE PLAYER GOT PLAYED
and he mightve been "done" and "fed up" but i had already been fed up since day 1. and i had him whipped like a dawg
not to mention even after a long phone call
even after he told me " ALL MY PROBLEMS ARE YOU"
he still said he wanted to be in a relationshp
AND I SAID NO NIGGA WE ARE GONNA BE FRIENDS
and he was like 'we need a break"
"yes nigga that is why i said friends"

--
 HE TOLD me he was the perfect boyfriend and never did anything wrong

--
so one time he invited me to the movies right
.....
with his grandma
but wait
get this
yes, grandma and his sister, and her best friend, and her other best friend, who all conviently hate my guts
so okay cool, awkward long ass car ride get me out of this relatioNship
youre a freshman
UM NO
GET A LICENSE AND WE MAY SPEAK
OK WELL COOL, LOOK LETS SIT ALL ON THE SAME DAMN ROW TOGETHER SIDE BY SIDE
HEY WHATS UUP TYLER'S GRANDMA
HOW U DOINGGGGGGGGGGGG.
honestly that is just not okay and it made me beyond pissed. he did nothelp the situation.

----
the other time i was at sylvias and he came, and i had to leave
but he stayed with her
my bestfriend and my boyfriend
and he brings her to his uncle's house
HOLD ON LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT
HE BRINGS HER TO HIS UNCLES HOUSE
AND INTRODUCES HER
wat, WAT.WUT.
he just met this girl? he just met my best friend....and why does he feel the need to make her meet his family.
so after he meets her
he will not stop bringing her up
NO
nigga
NO
stahp
okay do you like her or.
__
insults he told me:
YOU HAVE NO BUTT
you back goes straight down to your ankles ( which means you have no ass)
you're flat
you do not have DSL
i would not want to do anything sexual with you because you have small hands and you do not have dsl.

,

hahahahaha, see. i was a good girlfriend, i never actually hurt him, which i shouldve
and i told him it hurt my feelings one day
i went off on him
not even a lot
just like " that hurts please stop"
and he gets mad at me
HOLD ON, GET THIS
HE
GETS MAD ATME
FOR BEING HURT BY HIS INSULTS
BECAUSE HE SAYS I NEED TO TAKE A JOKE


ok right? i can take a joke if i know its not true. but that day i was like "what if ______, is it a problem? DO I have a small ass" and that same day he tell sme all of these "jokes" and it made me feel so completely insecure/
__

let me also tell you this
HE HATES TAKING PICTURES
UM
UMMMMMMMMMM...
...
...
RM
DOYOU
KNOW
ME
I
THINK
YOU
DO
. i am a photographer
.....AND YOU HATE TAKING PICTURES? sorry but that pisses me off to a level that is unreachable.
how annoying. i love pictures and you refuse to even take one. way to make me look and feel like an idoit.
__

so we were at pigskin. and this nigga is like my fucking son, i am his mother. i have to control him. he took my umbrella and start poking and stabing every single girl. he goes up to caroline phelan and hits her in the vagina. and she tells me this. so i bring tyler into this huge circle full of the popular people, i a force him to apologize. the im like 'good job" and i slapped him so hard, there was silence
--

he would blame me for not being able to hang out like i could control my devil of a father. i was going through some hard times and all he did was complain about how i shouldnt be bipolar or depressed and how it wasnt fun
and he dared to say, the night we broke up "i have done nothing wrong"


__

you know what he told me
he told me when emma and him were dating, he came accross me on facebook, wrote my name down for when they broke up. i wonder how many other names he has written down when we were dating hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
HE SAVED MY NAME FOR LATER

___


and he never laughed at me which made me feel uncomfortable
i feel like he acted completley fake around me
told me all his sad stories
but never let me tell mine
because thats not his job right?

his job is not to listen to me
but i have to listen to him
ITS MY JOB BUT NOT YOURS HMMM TELL ME MORE
OH AND YOU CANT SPELL BEAUTIFUL. AND NO I DO NOT TAKE "YOUR BEUATIFUL" AS A COMPLIMENT FIRST OFF, YOU USED THE WRONG "YOU'RE" TAKE A DAMN FIRST GRADE ENGLISH CLASS PLEASE
EVEN AFTER I CORRECT HIM
IT DOES NOT CHANGE
HE NEVER LEARNED
AND WAIT
BUT WAAAAAAAAIT
HE DIDNT KNOW ANY OF MY VOCABULARY
I LITERALLY HAD TO LOWER MY LEVEL OF GRAMMAR AND SPELLIG FOR HIM
I HAD TO USE 3RD GRADE VOCAB.

__
he told me he loved me the first week of dating. obvious lie. red flag.

__

THE SECOND TIME WE FACETIMED
I WAS IN A SPORTS BRA
BECAUSE I WAS IN BED RIGHT
AND HE WAS LIKE
"PUT SOME CLOTHES ON I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO SHOW A LITTLE BIT OF CLASS"
...............
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.
.
......
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.........
well damn
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