Go.

im tored
my eyes are heavy
my knees ache
can i go to sleep

a poem by erin johnson

my feet are cold.
i dont care about much
i dont care if you're gone
if you leave me
im cold
and all i care about
is finding a blanket
because im cold

lol

I loved my bestfriend when i was dating him.

found this journal entry from when i was dating tyler:

and then he calls me

july 23 2012

and here i am, sitting next to tyler. sweating, hair frizzing, shaking nervously. he doesnt get me. this is pain to get him to laugh. i dont feel comfortable.

and i leave. anxiety is in full swing now. im shaking. and i feel like a fool. im foolish and stupid and im not good enough.. tyler couldnt even look at me? was i that unbearable. he could lie all he wanted over text, through the phone, but it must’ve gotten so hard to say i was beautiful when he looked in my eyes, and realized i wasnt.

i came home.im freaking out, i need to calm down and find reality. then barbara nicole gorilla face and asain victoria decide to put me on blast on twitter.

cool.

and then i get a call.

and its from “fag”

michael! my bestfriend. my love. the perfect guy. and we talk and like usual he makes me laugh. and i lvoe him. and i feel so lost and confused. because as much as i want to be with him, i know theres a slim chance he’d feel the same, and for now i was better off with tyler.

there was never really a emotional connection. it was all ....physical. he liked me he wanted me as arm candy. saw my pictures and wanted to be able to say thats my girl. he say me and thught i was cute. he saw my body, my boobs....
and i saw him.
he was hot. a beautiful handsome boy. what was so appealing about hi?
was it his sweet brown puppy eyes, with long dark eyelashes that were just perfect. was it his height, or his tan skin. was it his cute little smile and toned stomach? he was cute. he was hot, and i wanted to show him off too.

and that's what im missing
im doing the wrong thing , im feeling the wrong thing but this is how it is. this is the way its gonna be.
i lost him, no, he LOST ME.
thats right. i might not be able to jump on him , wrap my legs around his body and kiss him again.
i may not be able to lay in a bed with our bodies intertwined holding each other again...
but he wont get the chance to do that with me ever ever again either,


you see its a two way street. it hurts a lot. it hurts to see him with other girls, because i feel like thats my job.
but i have to get passed this pain.
it aches. i ache. the pain is terrible

I was stumbling through my venting twitter and found this from when i was dating Tyler :
If I didn't care about you then why are you my wallpaper on my phone? Oh yeah because I want to look at people I don't care about everyday.
If I don't care about you, why am I still trying to make this relationship work? Why am I even in this relationship if I didn't care.If I didn't care about your heart, your happiness, and just plain you, I would've told you this a long time ago:
I don't love you, I'm not happy, and I want to leave, but I want to love you, I want to be happy, and im willing to stay.

What he did to me.

It's so hard I want to cry. I was playing him, he didn't even know. But now he's played me. He did and I want to refuses to believe it but its true. I wasn't much anything to him. He got over me, and left me stuck trying to pick up the pieces. I knew this would happen. I knew I would start to have feelings for him once he was gone. I hate my brain, I hate my heart. I want to go back to the start