UPDATE

MICHAEL STELL THO
I really liked him
but he likes sylvia, my best friend,
what
ever
major
loser

MEAN GIRLS IN REAL LIFE

kory and emilie need to leave me alone. kory leeann porter. evil, evil evil. i wouldnt be surprised if her phone number started with 666. but it doesnt, i t should, but it doesnt. she's smart. she knows how to ruin someone. i feel like this is a real life case of Mean Girls.it's almost like they are planning my downfall, as if i havent already had one. their purpose is to soley break me down until i crumble. this is fueled by their hate for me, their deep rooted flaming hatred. im not sorry for anything ive done. its helped me learn. and grow. and now i KNOW better.

UNSUCCESSFUL GUILT AND A DEVASTATING STORY

i made a mistake

at first i felt nothing, strangley numb, everything was irrelevant  yet i found it hard to keep this mistake a secret, and soont he whole school found out. it was new years, i had planned for tyler to come over. you see, we had become good friends again. he had called me and we spoke until we couldnt speak anymore. we admitted to each to her how much we still cared and wanted to share our love for each other. little did i know that i was lying to myself, i didnt still feel that way, but wanted to believe it. he came over, and left. and a huge mistake was made, in the back of my mind i wanted it to be right, but in my heart, i KNEW it was wrong. i suffered from guilt and disappointment in my self and my loss of innocence. my parents read some facebook message and found out. it was devastating. i found myself in a place i had know too well. a dark place, empty. tyler wouldnt answer my calls, wouldnt speak to me. and i was worried that i could be carrying a child. life was at it's worst.

EVAN 12-4-12

i dont know but what i do know is that if you don’t put the effort in, why should i? you better start shaping up big boy. if you want a girl like me. you better get you game on, if you think im the one you want. because i wont wait forever, i dont wait around. im just confused because i want things to work out between us but ugh. i dk.

11 20 12

hell no dawg evan chill the fuk out was that a “(;” i just saw um ew no

lord its harder to get back into the groove than i thought

i hate alcohool

wow he is not very dense

pour the triple sec

lol

the wind is blowing strongly outside now, and everyone is inside by the fire. once again isabel has invited me and tyler to the same event. us together in close proximity is a recipe for disaster. but in the back of my mind i saw this is  an opportunity.  we are all watching a movie and i see him go to the kitchen, i follow him, and tell him to follow me outside. he declines, and gives me his typical expected sass. " look tyler!" i said firmly. " im not letting you go until you do as i say, im going to talk to you" i maintain a close grip on his arms and his tries to  wiggle free. he pulls and i pull harder  i block his way with my body and he picks me up.in mid air he stops and looks my in the eyes. "please" i said " please tyler" and we walk outside. he stands arms crossed. you could slice the tension with a knife.. i know how this will roll out. first he will be grumpy and snippy. then he would slowly ease out of it and confess his true feelings. "tyler look...i cant do THIS anymore" i said striding towards him. once i reach a foot from him i say " this, whatever THIS is, is NOT going to work anymore. i want you to sit for a second. and LISTEN. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT I ONCE MEANT TO YOU? and i remember how much you meant to me. i hhate you. i really do. but the thing is ill always love you. you're like an infection. and i wont sit here and pretend to be okay with this rivarlry we have going on. i cant take back what i did and you cant take back what you said. we made mistakes and makybe us breakig  up was for the best. but maybe it wasnt. and i know the odd are against us but i cant live with knowing you hate me and never want to even talk to me. i am not letting you go on with this attitude towards me and i cant continue to hate you as well. i refuse to. but its all your choice you know. i just want you to remember the good times, althought few, we had them. remeber  how you felt when we kissed. i cant find that with anyone else.

my heart is numb.

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face
I've been everywhere and back trying to replace everything . 
I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me.
I reach out trying to love but I feel nothing
Oh my heart is numb.