shadows.

10/6/12

dark shadows follow me

they cover me with ice

chills down my spine

some days the shadows disapeer

with no warning

spects of light warm my skin

and the wind flows with my hair like water

and a feelings of warmth i am overcome with

completlness inhabits my mind

and i am content

but im riddled with fright

and eaten with fear

that the shadow may one day

 carry my happiness away

and as i fear

one cloudy day

 a shadow reappears

with no warning

and sucks the happiness away

and i sit there in pain

the sun has subsided

and the joy leaves my body

through wet tears

streaming down my face

they taste sour

and salty and bitter

and im empty

drained of my life

and once again

the shadow wins a battle

that i have fought for years

and there is nothing to show

except for my tears

THE DAY AFTER

i think its very healthy to spend time alone. you need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person

Go.

im tored
my eyes are heavy
my knees ache
can i go to sleep

a poem by erin johnson

my feet are cold.
i dont care about much
i dont care if you're gone
if you leave me
im cold
and all i care about
is finding a blanket
because im cold

lol

I loved my bestfriend when i was dating him.

found this journal entry from when i was dating tyler:

and then he calls me

july 23 2012

and here i am, sitting next to tyler. sweating, hair frizzing, shaking nervously. he doesnt get me. this is pain to get him to laugh. i dont feel comfortable.

and i leave. anxiety is in full swing now. im shaking. and i feel like a fool. im foolish and stupid and im not good enough.. tyler couldnt even look at me? was i that unbearable. he could lie all he wanted over text, through the phone, but it must’ve gotten so hard to say i was beautiful when he looked in my eyes, and realized i wasnt.

i came home.im freaking out, i need to calm down and find reality. then barbara nicole gorilla face and asain victoria decide to put me on blast on twitter.

cool.

and then i get a call.

and its from “fag”

michael! my bestfriend. my love. the perfect guy. and we talk and like usual he makes me laugh. and i lvoe him. and i feel so lost and confused. because as much as i want to be with him, i know theres a slim chance he’d feel the same, and for now i was better off with tyler.

there was never really a emotional connection. it was all ....physical. he liked me he wanted me as arm candy. saw my pictures and wanted to be able to say thats my girl. he say me and thught i was cute. he saw my body, my boobs....
and i saw him.
he was hot. a beautiful handsome boy. what was so appealing about hi?
was it his sweet brown puppy eyes, with long dark eyelashes that were just perfect. was it his height, or his tan skin. was it his cute little smile and toned stomach? he was cute. he was hot, and i wanted to show him off too.

and that's what im missing
im doing the wrong thing , im feeling the wrong thing but this is how it is. this is the way its gonna be.
i lost him, no, he LOST ME.
thats right. i might not be able to jump on him , wrap my legs around his body and kiss him again.
i may not be able to lay in a bed with our bodies intertwined holding each other again...
but he wont get the chance to do that with me ever ever again either,


you see its a two way street. it hurts a lot. it hurts to see him with other girls, because i feel like thats my job.
but i have to get passed this pain.
it aches. i ache. the pain is terrible