October 24 2012.
let me tell you the story behind this.
Tyler was the typical cute popular kid. he was interested in me? no way, this was a joke. i was bullied my whole life, felt incapable of being loved, or ever being good enough. i was beyond insecure, feeling alone and afraid it was going to stay that way. he came along and convinced me i was good enough.
This was something i believed to be nearly impossible. after years of suffering through depression and anxiety, things only seemed to get worse and worse. I couldn't remember what happiness was, and it scared me. i didn't know who i was, or what to do with my self. lost & confused. What do i do? The first time we broke up, it was a mutual decision. the relationship was rocky, and i didn't like him. a few days later i found out he had cheated on me. i wasn't in love with him, but i was in love with the attention, the routine. i was dependent on him for happiness. it was hard but i moved on, and finally i reached happiness, without him. and he came back. he called me night after night. he begged for a second chance, and for forgiveness. i told him i forgave him, because everyone make mistakes, but im happier on my own. i remember one night at the phone, he called and told me all the things wanted to hear, and i felt myself slipping again. a rush of emotions, and a rush of adrenaline, made me take a risk to try it all out again. we walked through the halls together, i was late to class for him. we kissed and held hands and talked all night. we went to homecoming together and shared ourselves emotionally and physically. somehow it was better, but i was not happiest. and one night i sat alone, and it hit me. i couldn't live without him. he was the only guy who ever loved me in that way. the only guy who ever tried so hard for so long, and it made me FEEL like i was worth it. i was SPECIAL. and i neglected him. i didn't realize it until now. so i texted him. told him this. and from there it went downhill.
we got in a fight, and he told me he couldn't be with someone who hated him, and that i needed to make a decision i told him i couldn't. and he told me, he couldn't do "us" anymore, and like that it was over. i felt the need to fix it right away. i felt like there was still a chance to fight. my dad took my phone away, and i was left to talk to him face-to-face at school. he ignored me, and went about. i heard rumors about him and other girls, and it hurt. i asked him how he was doing, " im doing GREAT, REALLY GREAT" he said, like i was nothing, and never was. all those feelings, about being special they flew away. left so fast. like a cigarette addict quitting cold turkey. it was hard, and i didn't like the feeling. he looked right through me like i never mattered. and i remember what it felt like to feel worthless, those memories were so infectious.
one day he told me he was never giving up, and that i was the first girl he ever truly fell in love with. two days later, i was nothing but a bitter memory. i tried to reach out to him, try as hard as he tried for me. but i knew it wasn't worth the humiliation. it was different.
i heard of this new girl he had. her name, i knew her. i remembered her as the girl i met in mall jail. she didn't say much. it was 8th grade. i was insecure, and i admired her. she was beautiful and perfect and i thought to myself " why can't i be her" and to find out this was the new girl in his life, made me feel like a downgrade. a waste.
he was rude about it all. you know? rubbing his happiness in my face. telling people lies and making me seem like a stalker. he called be obsessed. he told people i was nuts. "she's a crazy psychotic bitch". . i have a mental disorder. im on medicine. he knew this, and didnt care. i was too used to being called crazy. i didnt want to believe it. and i would cry because i let someone go when i knew i should've fought harder. but it wasn't my fault. i would've if i knew there was a chance. he cheated, lied, loved, and left. next thingi knew his only goal was to make me feel lower than before. why was i putting up with this? what is wrong with me, i thought!
i couldnt get over him. every boy i talked to made me sick. i couldn't look at them. i just wanted him. he was so handsome. it hurt. and i lost it. and now someone else has it.
i was on tumblr and i found a picture. this girl was holding up a sign. it said " i hope she gives you aids" it was funny, the girl was smiling. i wanted that happiness. a kind of " fuck you for all the pain" kind of smile. i wanted that.
he was so immature 120% of the time in our relationship, and i was mature 99% of the time. i post this picture, " to one crazy psychotic bitch to another <3" and i GET ATTACKED. you know what? im not sorry! at all. it helped me. it inched me closer to being able to say " IM OVER YOU" he deserved it. he did all these terrible things to me and left me alone, and thenc ontinued to make me look pathetic, pitiful, like a loser. i know i can get better! he's a terrible person. a typical guy, lies lies lies. and i did this for ME. i was tired of doing things for other people. and this HELPED me. and that's ALL that matter. SO JUDGE ME. I DARE YOU.
but see if i care first.
because now i feel better.
and im moving on.
thank you.
that is all.
