after we ended things, you called.

10-9-12 dear tyler dean porter

You don’t make any sense. You shouldn’t call me. And talk to me like we are still a thing…you shouldn’t call me and make me feel like there was a chance. I GAVE you a second chance. And you can’t “grace” me with one. The fact is I didn’t even do anything wrong. You’re the one who cheated. And now you just walk away after trying so hard?

Where does that put you? What does that make you.. it makes you a hypocrite, and a quitter, and it makes you look rather un-prioritized, unorganized with your thoughts, and just an overall mess. You can’t even give me one last kiss. Do you not understand I need closure. Is this just a test? You want to switch the roles. Well, I see how it is. I let you, strung you along, kept you close because I wanted you to be mine. And now, you wont even give me the time of day.

You may have changed, tyler, but you haven’t matured.

We aren’t meant for each other, ha, I was right.

But I have one last thing to say to you.

FUCK YOU, for making me believe we could work out and you were worth it, FUCK YOU for giving up on me, FUCK YOU for finally convinving me that you loved me, only for you to walk away and never talk to me again.’you disgust me

Text her.

vtyler 9-22-12

yeah so just text her …text emily, text her because the day before you asked me out and i said let’s take it slow. is itimpossible to ask for that? for a little time..?

text her because we call each other every night, call each other babe, and keep each other up. i think you SHOULD text her, even though 5 hours earlier you kissed me goodbye.

we still had something, i hope we still have something

before

before:

what is this llol

kinda empty feeligs idk im just like really tired and what are thoughts like i cant

lol

but really ty told me that he loves me

i mean he always said it. but this time he said it differently

he told me he that because of me, he knew what it felt like to be in love

9-23-12

you’re lame and annoying and i do not want you

you do not please me

i am not comfortable around you

you are immature

and you dont make me happy

after:

omg i love u y did i not recognize how amazing u r 

omg omg i luv u so much come bac

wut is my problem ihave issues fuck

What to expect while expecting

10/6/12

the littlest things in life are the greatest.

i struggle with the everyday things that i should be able to handle.

i struggle with myself, almmmost every aspect of it. its hard, trying to disect every little thought and feeling. i never understand myself, and each time i collect another failed attempt to do so, a harsh veil is placed over my thoughts.

layers and layers just clouding my vision. and thats what life is , right> just one big visiion. its how you see it, thats what life is, the way you see it.  its so so so

exasperating .

u call me you tell me how you wished i wwas there. and then you tell me how amanda came and you had a good time. you know, i didnt want to hear that , but i didnt really get hurt. it was kind of, expected. it shouldnt be, but it was. and left alone, with movies on demand, i watched

“What to expect while expecting”

i wish i knew what to expect. but i cant seem to differ fantasy from reality.

i sat there and watched this movie, noticed how the men acted, and found that one of the characters relationship was vaguely similar to my current one. it was interesting. the girl acted like me. passive, fierce, independent for so long that she was convinced she was meant to be that way, thats how it should be. letting this boy go, he kept trying, and she kept walking away. she wasnt aware that the things he said to her, the feeling he felt for her, they were all so so true, and real. she didnt believe it, she was hurt, and she was in fear that she would continue to be hurt..

she didnt let him in, and she felt like it was right. it was the right decision for her. to be alone; it was the way it needed to be. but she found herself to be unhappy. unsatsified with the empty feeling she felt after he was absent from her life.

i coiuld feel it…i could feel what she felt only because i was looking for my thought, confused, unsure of how i truely felt, and she was too. but she became conscious of it later, she became AWARE. and this awwareness is what brought her and her guy together. its what binded them in a bond.

they would impossible, different, and completely wrong for each other.’

but once they found joy in each others presesnce, they couldnt live without it in any way.

FATHER

my happiness is stunted

everytime i feel anything of joy, i feel settled, complete.

and he comes in and crushes it.

my dad wont leave me alone. i feel so happy when its just me but when he or my mom comes to talk to me, i find all my contentness and joy to escape me.

happiness drained form my body through wet tears rolling down my cheeks.

and they taste sour.

shadows.

10/6/12

dark shadows follow me

they cover me with ice

chills down my spine

some days the shadows disapeer

with no warning

spects of light warm my skin

and the wind flows with my hair like water

and a feelings of warmth i am overcome with

completlness inhabits my mind

and i am content

but im riddled with fright

and eaten with fear

that the shadow may one day

 carry my happiness away

and as i fear

one cloudy day

 a shadow reappears

with no warning

and sucks the happiness away

and i sit there in pain

the sun has subsided

and the joy leaves my body

through wet tears

streaming down my face

they taste sour

and salty and bitter

and im empty

drained of my life

and once again

the shadow wins a battle

that i have fought for years

and there is nothing to show

except for my tears

THE DAY AFTER

i think its very healthy to spend time alone. you need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person